ESSAY Magazine (An International Journal of Sexaholics Anonymous)

My name is Catherine and my sobriety date is 31 March, 2021. Since I was a very young child, I have used my imagination to escape from reality. At a very early point that I can’t remember the impetus for, I began to be fascinated by and create narratives around corporal punishment. These imaginary scenarios were erotic for me, although not sexually explicit, and were always accompanied by masturbation. Masturbating was my pacifier, my comfort, my go-to for self-soothing. As a kid I would do it anywhere and was never found out. I became skilled at deception and hiding, and sometimes wondered how the adults in my life couldn’t tell. I was completely intolerant of uncomfortable situations, especially ones where I was in the wrong. If I was ever caught doing something wrong, I became a stone wall and refused to confess.

My name is Catherine and my sobriety date is 31 March, 2021. Since I was a very young child, I have used my imagination to escape from reality. At a very early point that I can’t remember the impetus for, I began to be fascinated by and create narratives around corporal punishment. These imaginary scenarios were erotic for me, although not sexually explicit, and were always accompanied by masturbation. Masturbating was my pacifier, my comfort, my go-to for self-soothing. As a kid I would do it anywhere and was never found out. I became skilled at deception and hiding, and sometimes wondered how the adults in my life couldn’t tell. I was completely intolerant of uncomfortable situations, especially ones where I was in the wrong. If I was ever caught doing something wrong, I became a stone wall and refused to confess.

Je viens d'apprendre une leçon sur la capitulation à l'endroit où je m'y attendais le moins : le parrainage. Je pensais qu'en travaillant par principe, sous la direction des 12 étapes et traditions, j'étais à l'abri de mes défauts de caractère.

J'ai commencé à parrainer lorsque j'étais sobre depuis presque 18 mois et que je travaillais sur la sixième étape. J'étais hésitant car il n'y avait, et il n'y a toujours, aucune directive officielle sur la façon de parrainer, mais mon parrain m'a dit qu'il était temps pour moi de m'engager.

Lorsque je suis arrivé aux SA, j'ai demandé à un homme qui avait plusieurs années de sobriété d'être mon parrain. Quelques mois plus tard, alors que j'étais prêt à commencer l'étape 4, j'ai découvert qu'il n'avait jamais travaillé les Étapes.

Through recovery, I have experienced several negative to positive change experiences. Below are some of them.
First Experience: From the very first day when I joined SA and attended my first face to face meeting, I was surprised that I am surrounded by 25 men. There was no woman fellow, neither in the group, nor in all of Egypt. I was afraid, yet I decided to continue regardless of my hard addiction pattern, alongside other men.

For the last four years I have been serving women who have decided to change their lives with the help of the Twelve Steps. During this time, I started working Steps with more than 30 women. As of today, none of my sponsees have completed all Twelve Steps. But there are several women whose hard work and whose growth in recovery make me believe that the Steps work for them the same way as for me. The Steps create a new free personality, instead of the slavishly dependent old one. And that's what I want to share with you and with my sponsored ones - the Steps change lives!

When I first arrived in SA, I asked a man who had several years of sobriety to be my sponsor. A few months later, when I was ready to start Step 4, I discovered that he had never worked the Steps. I asked another man who I had heard speaking about his experience writing and sharing inventories, making difficult amends, and practicing the principles with others who had no spiritual program. I learned that before asking someone to be your sponsor, it is important to ask the person, “Have you worked the Steps with your sponsor?” If the answer is “No”, find someone who has worked the Steps with their sponsor and ask them.