ESSAY Magazine (An International Journal of Sexaholics Anonymous)

ESSAY June 2025 - What She Freely Gave - Dorene S., Washington, USA

A Legacy of Recovery through the Eyes of Those She Helped
Working the Steps: First, we discussed the Steps. Second, Sylvia asked, “Are you reading the White Book or have you read the Twelve and Twelve?” This was before Step Into Action was written. I read the White Book to get the essence of the Steps and read the Twelve and Twelve to work the Steps. Third, I wrote about how I worked that particular Step and read what I wrote to her. Lastly, Sylvia gave feedback to determine whether or not I needed to go into more depth on the Step. When I was disturbed, she asked what Step I should be working on. She said, “You need to pray and write.” -Peg V., Ohio, USA

ESSAY June 2025 - Acceptance is the Answer to All My Problems - Daniel J., Barcelona, Spain

I am very lucky to have an experienced therapist who is a man my age and who has also personally worked the 12 Steps for his own addiction issues; he thoroughly supports 12 Step programs. I have found this kind of outside professional help to be a very positive complement to my recovery in SA.

ESSAY June 2025 - Editor's Corner - The Editorial Team essay@sa.org

While every ESSAY edition is special, carefully thought out, and filled with SA recovery, we would like to describe this edition as unique. The Fellowship has had many losses in the past year. Some experienced loss in recovery for the first time. Can the Twelve Steps and the Fellowship of SA aid those grieving? 

ESSAY June 2025 - Tears of Gratitude - Nicholas S., UK

I wept nearly every day in my first year in recovery. What a contrast with the previous 25 years, when I  acted out sexually whenever I felt sad. In doing so, I had stuffed so much grief inside me that when the dam broke, I thought the flood would never end. There was a lot of pain down there. All those losses that I had never grieved: the death of my father when I was a teenager; many lost loves; two broken marriages; separation from my children; two failed careers; hard-won fame and fortune gone. There was a world of sadness here that I had never expressed naturally. I had just “moved on” to the next career or relationship, until one day I was 12th-stepped. 

ESSAY June 2025 - The Three A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, Action - Tricia S., Pittsburgh, USA

The January 29 reflection from The Real Connection has had a profound impact on my recovery. 
I realized that for me, each step is a three A process: awareness, acceptance, and action. I’m very aware of Step One. The awareness is, “Oh, I guess I am addicted.” Actually, in Step One, I’m admitting that I have this problem. I have to accept it and write out my sexual history, the way my life is unmanageable. That proves to me that yes, I do have this problem, and it helps me to accept it. Then it suggests that once I’ve done that, to take action. I take Step Two. 

ESSAY June 2025 - Opening Up to Grief - Anonymous, St. Louis, Missouri

I remember what my life was like when I was living wholly in my addiction. It was as though I were in a cave, deep inside, where the light was far off, and surrounding me were damp, cold walls of stone. Gratefully and finally, I moved toward the light and found fellowship in SA. That damp, dark place was my lust addiction. I was isolated even though I was surrounded by people. In my lust, I saw people as objects, and I was alone.

ESSAY June 2025 - Breaking Through Resentment and Numbness - Brock J., Sudbury, Canada

I didn’t know what grief was or what it felt like before recovery. Lust numbed all my emotions, positive and negative. I rarely had feelings when pets passed away. It felt like it was just part of life.
My grandma passed away when I was 16. I ended up sitting beside my grandpa and holding his hand through the funeral. I was numb and kept asking in my head, “Where are the adults? This isn’t my job.” I asked my parents why I didn’t feel anything. I would later learn that this shock (numbness) is how I initially respond to grief, but I was told that if I had invested more in my relationship with my grandma, I would have felt more. What a setup for dependency issues! I concluded I was defective and that all relationships are 100 percent dependent on me. I think my lust became worse due to this.

ESSAY June 2025 - He Captured Our Hearts On Video - Laura W., Florida, USA

Cesar’s videos can be viewed on the ESSAY website on the Videos Page on https://essay.sa.org/videos/. 
Sponsor: Cesar and I joined SA around the same time. After a few months, our relationship shifted from members to sponsee and sponsor. 
At first, Cesar was hesitant to join virtual meetings with his camera off because he didn’t like not being able to see the people he was sharing with. That was the first reason we started contacting each other. From then on, all our calls were with our cameras on. “Just for today. The present is the only thing I have to live in sobriety,” he would say.