ESSAY Magazine (An International Journal of Sexaholics Anonymous)

Because of Step 1, I have come to accept that I am completely powerless over lust. I strive daily to apply this principle in all my affairs. I try often to remind myself that I am powerless over what life gives me, be it work, family, emotions, events, or anything else. When I used to relapse frequently, I would justify both my thoughts and behavior with the excuse of powerlessness: If I’m powerless, then I have no choice but to act out, right?

My name is Jon, and I’m a grateful, recovering sexaholic. I’ve been powerless over lust for as long as I can remember.  Unfortunately, it took decades for me to finally acknowledge this fact. I am originally from the United States, but my wife and I currently reside in the Philippines.

Lust is ugliness disguised as grace.
Lust is disgust staring into my face.
Lust possesses my entire living space.
Lust takes all my hopes to erase.
Lust removes the beauty from life.
Lust fills the room with unbearable strife.

Being Called to Service
I love SA. I am really committed to my SA program and this fellowship. I have peace and serenity in my life because through SA I have found a way to live a sober life. I am grateful to my Higher Power, my sponsor, and our 12-Step program for this great gift. Upon receiving a great gift, it is very natural to want to give back. When I was asked if I would consider being nominated to serve as a Trustee, I said, “Yes.”

I am greatly honored to have been asked to write the foreword to this issue of the ESSAY on lust. 
 
Soon after the death of Roy K. (the founder of Sexaholics Anonymous), I became very concerned that without Roy’s living presence, there would be no consistent voice telling the fellowship that lust is the problem. Therefore in 2009 I wrote a piece for the ESSAY called, “Lust Is the Problem.” I truly wanted the fellowship to remember that Roy’s primary emphasis was on lust. Unlike other fellowships, where the emphasis is on the powerlessness over acting out, Roy’s emphasis was on powerlessness over lusting. The SA version of Step One does not mention sexual behavior at all. But it certainly mentions the word lust. 

Dear ESSAY, in my addiction I crossed every line I could imagine. Ultimately, I even sexually abused my own daughter. I was quickly arrested because she bravely told her school counselor the very next morning. I was convicted and served a sentence.

 
פורנו יקר,
אני חייב לומר שזה הדבר הכי מוזר בשבילי לעשות כרגע, אבל אני רוצה להודות לך על דברים רבים. אתה יודע, אנחנו לא בקשר כבר 126 ימים (אבל מי סופר), ואני לא אשקר – אני כן מתגעגע אליך. הרבה. רואה? אני אפילו סופר את הימים! ככה היית חשוב  בחיים שלי!! ולמרות שאני לא רוצה אותך יותר בחיים שלי, הייתה תקופה שהיית קריטי להישרדות שלי. עברנו הרבה ביחד, ולמרות שהגיע הזמן להיפרד, אני באמת חייבת קודם כל להגיד תודה

 
נולדתי בניקרגואה. ההורים שלי התגרשו כשהייתי תינוק. סבא וסבתא מצד אמא גידלו אותי בכפר עד גיל 8 בערך. בסביבות גיל 6 או 7 עברתי התעללות מינית על ידי שני גברים מבוגרים שהיו שכנים שלנו