ESSAY Magazine (An International Journal of Sexaholics Anonymous)

While every ESSAY edition is special, carefully thought out, and filled with SA recovery, we would like to describe this edition as unique. The Fellowship has had many losses in the past year. Some experienced loss in recovery for the first time. Can the Twelve Steps and the Fellowship of SA aid those grieving? 

I wept nearly every day in my first year in recovery. What a contrast with the previous 25 years, when I  acted out sexually whenever I felt sad. In doing so, I had stuffed so much grief inside me that when the dam broke, I thought the flood would never end. There was a lot of pain down there. All those losses that I had never grieved: the death of my father when I was a teenager; many lost loves; two broken marriages; separation from my children; two failed careers; hard-won fame and fortune gone. There was a world of sadness here that I had never expressed naturally. I had just “moved on” to the next career or relationship, until one day I was 12th-stepped. 

The January 29 reflection from The Real Connection has had a profound impact on my recovery. 
I realized that for me, each step is a three A process: awareness, acceptance, and action. I’m very aware of Step One. The awareness is, “Oh, I guess I am addicted.” Actually, in Step One, I’m admitting that I have this problem. I have to accept it and write out my sexual history, the way my life is unmanageable. That proves to me that yes, I do have this problem, and it helps me to accept it. Then it suggests that once I’ve done that, to take action. I take Step Two. 

I remember what my life was like when I was living wholly in my addiction. It was as though I were in a cave, deep inside, where the light was far off, and surrounding me were damp, cold walls of stone. Gratefully and finally, I moved toward the light and found fellowship in SA. That damp, dark place was my lust addiction. I was isolated even though I was surrounded by people. In my lust, I saw people as objects, and I was alone.

I didn’t know what grief was or what it felt like before recovery. Lust numbed all my emotions, positive and negative. I rarely had feelings when pets passed away. It felt like it was just part of life.
My grandma passed away when I was 16. I ended up sitting beside my grandpa and holding his hand through the funeral. I was numb and kept asking in my head, “Where are the adults? This isn’t my job.” I asked my parents why I didn’t feel anything. I would later learn that this shock (numbness) is how I initially respond to grief, but I was told that if I had invested more in my relationship with my grandma, I would have felt more. What a setup for dependency issues! I concluded I was defective and that all relationships are 100 percent dependent on me. I think my lust became worse due to this.

Cesar’s videos can be viewed on the ESSAY website on the Videos Page on https://essay.sa.org/videos/. 
Sponsor: Cesar and I joined SA around the same time. After a few months, our relationship shifted from members to sponsee and sponsor. 
At first, Cesar was hesitant to join virtual meetings with his camera off because he didn’t like not being able to see the people he was sharing with. That was the first reason we started contacting each other. From then on, all our calls were with our cameras on. “Just for today. The present is the only thing I have to live in sobriety,” he would say.

Dear ESSAY,Thank you for this topic on Grieving In Recovery. It has helped me reflect on how I cope with grief since being in recovery, compared to before.

A few years after the Flemish IG began, Luc brought up the idea of organizing a larger workshop or convention. We also looked to SA in the Netherlands for collaboration. This happened several times during workshops with old-timers. A few years ago, a tradition emerged: an annual Dutch-language convention, alternately organized by the Dutch and the Flemish IG.